Remember

“There was a time when you were not a slave, remember that. You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare-bellied… You say there are no words to describe this time, you say it does not exist. But Remember. Make an effort to remember. Or, failing that, invent”- Monique Wittig

As I was driving across the university campus this afternoon, I noticed the girls in their halter tops, shorts and flip flops, the sun beating down upon their tanned and toned arms and legs. Of course, I admired their youth and their beauty, but much more than that, I envied the innocence I found in their eyes and the happy-go-lucky spring in their steps. For a brief moment, I remembered a time when I was THAT girl. And in that moment, I grieved for her. It had been a long time since I thought about her, and I silently feared that the next time might be longer still, until one day she is no more. It is much like the small inheritance I received from my father when he passed. As long as there is still money in the account, I feel safe, as if my father is still with me. I am afraid to spend the last dollar, for in doing so I will have say goodbye.

Food and Loathing

I created this blog to be a place where I can "speak" candidly about my love/hate relationship with food. I have had an eating disorder for the past eight years. I have tried practically every fad diet that has been on the market. As a result, I often lost weight, only to gain it back after a short period of time. Frustrated with my apparent lack of self-control, I soon plunged deep into a state of hopelessness and despair. Each time I lifted the fork to my mouth, I wondered if I might be insane. Who keeps eating when they hate what it is doing to them? Who cries at the sight of themselves in a photograph, avoids the best beauty shop in town because of the full-length mirrors, and yet still gets excited when planning a binge? Surely this must be the definition of insanity. Unless... it isn't REALLY about food. What if food is merely a means to an end and the real issues go much deeper? What then?